Finding My Focus

Hello one and all!

Recently I haven’t had the energy for most things.  Some of it has to do with my physical state of being, and some of it is more mental.  I have sat down multiple times in the past week to write, and all I have done is stare at a screen.

I like this blog.  I like what it has turned into, and I want to see where it goes.  That being said, my reticence is more than just writer’s block.  In some ways, it started when I decided I wanted to stop adding my more light-hearted creative posts, which perhaps was a decision I made in error.  Once I had this idea in mind for a more serious blog, what I would post somehow seemed to matter more.

Even aside from that, I have had an overall lack of motivation to do the things I want to do (and unfortunately the things I actually need to do).  I’m tired.  My body is tired, my mind is tired, and the challenges I will be facing will only grow in number.  I don’t have the luxury right now of stepping back and taking a break from my life.  I don’t have the luxury of resetting.  While some aspects of my life are still open to a myriad of possibilities, others are now written in stone.  It does me no good to wonder if I made the right choices, because all I can do now is make better ones as I move forward.

Part of that is sitting down and deciding what I want to focus on.  There are so many things I want to do that it overwhelms me, and I end up losing my desire for them because the choices begin to add more stress than joy.  To give you an idea, the planning app I currently use has a goal section; until recently, I had seventeen goals I was working on.  At this stage in my life (or perhaps any stage), that’s insane.  Isn’t there a saying that “the jack of all trades is a master of none”?

I want to be a master at something.  I have spent most of my life feeling mediocre at best, and started so many things just to become disheartened and set them aside.  Even when it comes to my career, I try to explore too many options, get lost, and stop wanting any of them.  My passion is a fickle thing.  It comes and goes in waves, throwing me high before sending me plummeting down under the waves.  Perhaps that means I haven’t truly found my passion, perhaps it just means I need to take things slow instead of throwing myself willy-nilly at a prospect.  Perhaps I’ll never know what it means for my future.

This world is large, and the possibilities endless.  Staring into the cosmos and counting all the stars will only drain me.  I need to bring my focus back to the here and now, and find something I can mold and grow with at a slow and steady pace.

Where is your focus?

As always, much love!

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