Hello one and all!
It has been quite some time since I have written here, as I have had to swim in an ocean of new life experiences that has taken over my entire life! These new experiences are generally thought to be overwhelmingly happy, but I didn’t feel the emotions I expected in the ways I was told to expect them in.
I have never had an easy time processing emotions; perhaps I should be more specific, and say that I have never had an easy time processing positive emotions. I can feel anger, annoyance, and sadness with perfect clarity. These have played a big role in my life, unfortunately, and they are old friends of mine. Emotions such as happiness have proven a bit more elusive for me. I can easily recognize and appreciate small moments of enjoyment and whatnot, but it has been astronomically harder to pinpoint what it means for me to be happy or in love. What does that feel like for me? That has been a question I’ve asked myself for the better part of the last 5 years.
I think I always imagined them as having the same intensity as the negative emotions. I thought being truly happy would be a longterm extension of those shorter moments of happiness, and that love would be a longterm extension of those early, exciting days of romance and discovery. All I was doing was setting myself up for disappointment. Perhaps there are lucky people who do get to feel that way all the time, but now that I really think about it, it sounds exhausting!
It was only a few weeks ago, as I lay in bed thinking about my new life, that I thought to myself, “I’m happy”. It doesn’t sound like much, perhaps, but to me, it was everything. I realized that, no matter what minor aggravations I have to deal with right now, I don’t want anything to change. The life I have led until now may be filled with mistakes, but I wouldn’t change anything if it meant I wouldn’t be here today. There is still so much to do, improve, and achieve as I move forward, but my past actions have led me to the home, life, and family I have now. That, to me, is happiness and love. It took me far too long to figure that out, but it couldn’t have come at a better time!
How do you process emotions?
As always, much love!